Irrational fears and a weekly update

So I went to the doctor this morning. She did not check for dilation or effacement, mainly because I think her theory is, you can be dilated for weeks and it doesn't mean the baby is going to come tomorrow. I think she would rather wait and see how things progress naturally without the constant checking. At first I was disappointed, but now that I think about it, internal exams sound like a pretty shitty thing to have to do weekly. She is going to come when she is good and ready.

Everything is still looking good. She measured me today and I am measuring at 35 weeks. Here is where I start to freak out. I know that it is very possible that I am measuring behind, because it is likely the baby dropped a little bit. It is pretty common for women to measure small after they have dropped. But I ask a lot of questions (which is not bad) which led to the big weight gain discussion. Insert irrational fear. All I can think of is that she is measuring small because I am still not gaining weight. I try and try, but nothing seems to stick. Now I know what you all are thinking, "why is she complaining about not gaining weight, she should be happy." Here is why. I am afraid that I am going to have a very small, scary small baby. And I am worried that is because of something that I did wrong. When I first got pregnant, my doctor told me that she wanted me to gain between 25 and 30 lbs. I am no where near that. But here is the thing, I was slightly over weight before baby, and ended up losing quite a bit of weight in the first trimester because I was so sick. Deep down, I wish she would calculate my weight gain from my lowest weight this pregnancy to now, instead of my pre preg weight to now, but that is not how it works. So we started discussing weight gain and she mentioned that my gain was not ideal, but it could just mean that since I am not a big person, that my baby is just small. She looked at my last u/s and said that we would just schedule another one to check on her progress for next week. She didn't seem worried and I am hoping that she is just doing it to calm me, but she could also be one of those doctors that doesn't show the concern till after it has been confirmed. That is the worry wart in me. My very supportive husband says that if she is small, then she is small and we will deal with what we need to do to get her to gain weight once she gets here, and that it is not worth worrying about it now. I know this is true, but I still worry. I just wish that she was here, so I could see that she is OK, but we know it is best if she cooks a little longer. She is full term and fully developed, but now we will just wait till she has a little more meat on her bones and we will let her come when she is ready.

My second irrational fear. That I am going to drop her. Seriously. I laugh sometimes when I think about how silly this sounds, but I keep having dreams that I dropped her, or that Zig did. It is ridiculous, I know.

I am feeling pretty good. She is moving a ton still. She seriously is her fathers daughter. She is going to be a wild child, I already know it. I am actually looking forward to the u/s so I can see how she is positioned in there. I have a little foot constantly poking out my right side. It does not feel good. I know I am going to miss having her all to myself and feeling her move inside of me, but I am not going to lie, her movements HURT. Sometimes a lot. I am still getting shooting pains up and down my back and for the most part, if I lay down, they will go away. For the most part, but not always. My doctor told me that it sounds like I am having back labor and next time they don't go away by laying down, I should start timing the pain as a contraction. She mentioned that a lot of times, you have these shooting pains when the baby is sunny side up. I love my doctor because she is pretty honest and she told me that it may not be the case, but if it was it could mean a little bit longer on the pushing because her face will have to come around my pubic bone. Insert irrational fear number 3. What if I break her little nose or mess up her face with my pushing. I know, it's stupid, but everyone say a little prayer that she is really not sunny side up.

Here are some pics from Sunday. I am definitely getting bigger, there is no denying it. Which is why I am sure everything is just fine...